So, why write today?
Mainly, because I felt the Lord really moving today.
We are in the process of adopting our second child from China. Jesse is from the same region as our daughter. We have completed the home study phase and now we are working through the final stages with our dossier now in China. We started the process in October of 2015 and if prayers are answered...we might could travel as early as October of this year. Maybe. If you know the adoption process, time frames mean nothing!
We knew, from the moment we saw the picture of Jesse, that he was our son. Same thing happened with our Sue Ling...God just seems to speak to your heart and you just "know". We had been considering an older child at the time. But peace just wasn't there. Unexpectedly, God would direct us to a little boy that was turning a year old at the time. When we asked to see his file, we would learn that he was from a neighboring city from where our Sue Ling was from. If we could adopt him, our children would share the same area of birthplace and culture. Amazing! When we asked to put his file on hold, we learned that another family had already done the same thing and were considering him. We waited a LONG week hoping, and trusting, that we would have a chance to his file. I just knew the family would choose him as their son...but at the same time, I had the Lord whispering in my ear to "trust Me". I just knew he was our son. And, hot dog, wouldn't you know they did not choose to go forward with adopting Jesse!!! We did!
So, time has gone by and here we are getting closer to travel! We have been able to talk with people that have met Jesse and have sent us pictures. This was a huge blessing for us with Sue Ling, and has again proven to be a confirmation for us with Jesse. Not everyone gets that blessing...we are so grateful.
All along I have been looking at his pictures and file and have struggled to feel "connected". I know he is ours. The Lord has confirmed it in my heart....but I don't know. It just feels different from last time. I would day dream about Sue Ling and the life we would have with her. With Jesse, it's been a struggle to do that.
Lord, when will I feel like his Mama? Will I ever feel like his Mama? Lord help!
And so, it happened today. 6.24.2016.
We have been getting pictures lately...but today the Lord pricked my heart and the flood gates opened. Jesse is blessed to be in a small foster home that houses several children in their care. It is a ministry out of California that cares for orphans. We have the ability to talk with families that are connected with this home. We get glimpses of Jesse from time to time when pictures are posted.
This morning I woke to find some new pictures posted. As I scrolled the pictures, I began to recognize a person in the photos! When we traveled to adopt Sue Ling, we traveled with a family...the mother's name was Audra. I knew they were adopting again and that she was traveling to China...but there she was standing in the same room with Jesse!! (Mouth hit the floor!) I was so excited that I immediately went to facebook hoping to send her a message...and pray she would be able to access it from China!
A little time passed and I was running around town doing errands. I was parked, checking facebook, when I saw a response back from her husband, Joe.
Please tell Amy I will message her more with info when u have time and can get the VPN to work. Tell her- her Jesse is adorable and I loved on him and gave him a kiss for his Momma and told him his Momma loves him!!
I don't know the mysteries of God. But in that moment, my heart was opened wide to this little boy. I have loved him, but at times it has felt that I have loved him as a stranger. A distant child that God was claiming as mine. A child that has a sad beginning, but that God continues to confirm...He will not have a sad ending.
As I read Joe's messages, I began to weep. I knew in my heart that I really was Jesse's Mama and Audra's words were true. I did love him and wanted him to know that! I was so grateful that she was there and was loving on my child for me. As I cried, I heard the song on the radio:
Before I call
Before I ever cry
You answer me
From where the thunder hides
I can't outrun
This heart I'm tethered to
When every step
I collide with You
Like a tidal wave
Crashing over me
Rushing in to meet me here
Your love is fierce
Like a hurricane
That I can't escape
Tearing through the atmosphere
Your love is fierce
You cannot fail
The only thing I've found
Is through it all
You never let me down
You don't hold back
Relentless in pursuit
At every turn
I come face to face with You
You chase me down
You seek me out
How could I be lost when
You have called me found
"Fierce" by Jesus Culture
Then....ping, ping, ping, ping......
Riding down the road, my phone pings with each photo Joe sends me. Then comes floods of videos for me to fall in love with. Like a tidal wave...God was showing me His fierce love. We praise you God!
Then when I came home...here was the message on the flip pad:
God, you have chosen the children for us. I know that your decisions are right. Your promises are always faithful. Thank you for holding me tight!
How can Jesse be lost when You have called him found!
This I want to treasure in my heart.